Sometimes I ask myself "Why am I even here in this world?". I force myself to remind myself that life is more than trials and tribulations; that there are moments of intense joy and happiness. But... somehow... it never seems so. The constant rain hasn't helped any either. The bitter pitter patter of the drops outside remind me of the rhythmic beats of the old songs. The lightning reminds me of the lighting I used to thrive under and the thunder reminds me of the roar of clapping hands. I cant explain how much I miss it. I cant explain why my heart aches so badly... but it does. It hurts yet only drives me to be better. All I can do is listen and let it pull me in closer. I have started to give up on fighting everything... the world tries to sweep me away and I am so close to letting it.
But... I force myself every single blasted day to wake up and look outside and let the day absorb into my skin. I never have understood why it is so difficult for me to just move on but it is. These issues have become so embedded into me that I don't know which is me and which are my issues half of the time. I need to learn how to help myself yet I find I am too scared too. But... for now I must push on with the everyday trials of life.
My stomach grumbles and I realize I haven't had food in nearly two days... I just cant eat. No matter how hungry I am I cannot keep food down. Last week I almost completely gave up eating. This week... well I don't know yet. For now though I must warm my aching bones...
I crawl back under the covers and hope that maybe sleep will ease my broken pain.
