Life Can Never Be Boring...

As I wake up from a long restful night of sleep, the covers have slipped off and my skin is chilled in a way I have not felt in a long time. I look out my leaking window to the sight of snow. The sight is one I have always loved and treasured since I was a child. It was one of the only times I ever got time with my mother... she was always working or in her room doing things I never want to think about. As my mind wanders to my past I wander over to the window and look around. Despite the beauty of the falling snow, the ground is covered with slush. A brown disgusting slush of snow, ice, and dirt. My stomach turns at the sight but I still crave to be out there where the world will be quiet for once.

I turn to face the pile of clothes around my room while trying to find the warmest items I have. I manage to find an old pair of thick brown socks and a blue insulated jacket that my ex gave me for our anniversary. Once I slip on my socks and shoes and pull on my jacket I walk back to the window. My gut turns but I know if I don't go out and enjoy the coldness I will only regret it. I turn my back to the window and face the door which has previously only led to my misery.

Once I find my way down the rickety stairs, the coldness overwhelms me and brings a smile to my face. I decide that the best place for me to go is someplace to get food. I have not eaten in days and it has begun to take a toll on my body. I quickly cross the road and turn down Maple Street. The slush is soaking through my shoes and socks but I ignore it. The chill, in some weird way warms me... By the times I had snapped back to reality, I was outside the bar. As I walked inside, I realized how hungry and cold I was. The bar called my name and I ordered myself a cheeseburger and fries with a large coke. The food filled my belly while the grease ran down my fingers. But I did not care...

As I walked back outside, I could see the lonely man walking to the park. Whenever I look out my window at this time I always see him. The weight of the pain he carries is visible on his shoulders... I can't help but wonder what is wrong. What happened in his life that causes him to have this much pain and heartbreak??? I wish I could help the poor soul and be the cause of him raising his head even a little. But I can only watch as he walks away....

Why?

Sometimes I ask myself "Why am I even here in this world?". I force myself to remind myself that life is more than trials and tribulations; that there are moments of intense joy and happiness. But... somehow... it never seems so. The constant rain hasn't helped any either. The bitter pitter patter of the drops outside remind me of the rhythmic beats of the old songs. The lightning reminds me of the lighting I used to thrive under and the thunder reminds me of the roar of clapping hands. I cant explain how much I miss it. I cant explain why my heart aches so badly... but it does. It hurts yet only drives me to be better. All I can do is listen and let it pull me in closer. I have started to give up on fighting everything... the world tries to sweep me away and I am so close to letting it.

But... I force myself every single blasted day to wake up and look outside and let the day absorb into my skin. I never have understood why it is so difficult for me to just move on but it is. These issues have become so embedded into me that I don't know which is me and which are my issues half of the time. I need to learn how to help myself yet I find I am too scared too. But... for now I must push on with the everyday trials of life.

My stomach grumbles and I realize I haven't had food in nearly two days... I just cant eat. No matter how hungry I am I cannot keep food down. Last week I almost completely gave up eating. This week... well I don't know yet. For now though I must warm my aching bones...
I crawl back under the covers and hope that maybe sleep will ease my broken pain.

It runs through my veins...

     The rain was still pouring down when the ambulance arrived yesterday... That poor man died for no good cause. Despite the tragedy, today was a new day with new sights to be seen and new places to go. My heart aches for my lover but I was determined not to let it get to me like it did yesterday. Instead of dwelling, I turn to earth itself. The smell of rain still lingers in the air and it reminds me why I love being who I am. Although the air crept under the windowsill I tried to shut the cold out. The rain has been destroying the nice weather we were having. Despite the cold, the outside world draws me to itself. I seem to find refuge in the little things in nature. My blood tingles when I find that perfect field. Unfortunetley, I haven't found that perfect field yet. My body strives to find it yet I know that in this place I will never. It is simply too run down and disgusting for me to find refuge in... Yet no matter how hard I try to push down my urges, even in this place, the drive runs through my veins. My lack of practice has caused my muscles to ache and my heart to hurt though. I know that I must find somewhere to release myself to the world. I cant continue to live this way. I must let my true self be revealed to the world but I am still scared to. I still don't know what damage could be done by doing so. I cannot loose those few "friends" I have who hide in the shadows. They somehow are still ashamed to be my friend... yet I do not know why... sigh....
 

Just Another Day in Paradise...

     The calm gray light peers into the room over my cracked windowsill. I hear the pinging of the rain on the roof over my head. Despite the calmess of the day something inside me stirs and leaves me uncomfortable. My stomach is tingling from the fish from last night and my head is tempting the ache to come. My joints tell me that I need to stop abusing them. I am used to this pain though. I feel it every time the rain comes through. Ignoring the pain, I roll myself over to look at my alarm clock. The glaring red LED lights read 0640.

A memory flashes through my mind of days like this when we would just lay in bed and hold each other close. As I sit up and stretch (much like a cat after an afternoon nap), I find tears streaming down my face. I fight to hold them in and control my thoughts but the memories creep through like smoke through the crack under the door. The tears fall down my face like the cold rain that is still streaming down the window. My desire to stay in bed draws me.

All of a sudden through my sobs, I hear the sharp squeal of tires against the poop-ridden, rain covered pavement. I drag myself to the window and press my nose to the glass. Around the corner of the building I see bus.... 52 (I think) pulled over with the back wheel over the edge of the fountains curb. Nothing good can come out of this. The shreeks begin to come through my door from the hall. I wipe away the last of my tears and walk over to the door and open it slowly.

As I peer into the hall, people are storming down the stairs. I hear the voice of Corbie floating up from the bottom floor. She, along with everyone else in the building, is pushing to get through the door into the rain to see what happened. I see the rich little Italian girl Ana... whatever waving her hands and trying to keep people from rushing out the door. Despite her efforts a few people slip out and rush to the bus.... I hear somebody scream "Oh my God, oh my God...." and somebody else yelled "He's dead! Somebody call the coppers!!" I just roll my eyes and shut the door softly. I can't help but laugh to myself as tragedy seems to strike too often at Watershed Heights. Sigh... its just another day in paradise 

Sigh...

Although the building has been quiet for days, I woke up this morning to Corbies' companion Koraki screeching at the top of its lungs. I guess her daughter is here again... Koraki always seems to be louder whenever her daughter is here. Sigh. I don't even know why she bothers to come visit anymore because she always causes a riot! 

      Despite my shocking awakening, I think today will end up being a good day... Maybe I will take my bag with me and go down the park or the old vacant lot down the street. The sun is shining so brightly today and the wind is blowing ever so slightly. It makes me just WANT to be outside.... Maybe I can find my wallet today and actually get that stupid freaking Advil. I walk down the eight flights of stairs rolling my eyes at Ms. Pigg as she plays her sousaphone and waves to everyone she sees. The sunshine fills my soul with joy for the first time in a long time and I love it. With my bag slung over my shoulder I turn and head towards the drugstore. Once I mosey my way in, I find my advil and pull out my not-so-invisible wallet (for once) and dig out the $2.65 I owe.

My Advil bought, I walk back into the warmth of the bright sunshine and feel the rays seep into my skin. I stretch and realize I haven't eaten today. I turn down to the Jamaican restaurant and open the door to the smells of roasted meats and rice. When I sit down the waitress came and brought me a glass of water while I decided between the chicken and the stewed fish. I decided on the fish. When she brought it to me the aromas filled my nose and lifted my soul. The first bite gave me a rush so heavenly I thought I had died.... I finished my meal, paid my bill and walked back into the sun. Feeling full and happy, my mind wandered to my dreams and I subconsciously reached around to make sure my bag was still over my shoulder. I sighed in relief and wandered on down the road...

I Am Me....

I found myself standing outside my door this evening. Nobody was out. The wind was whistling through under my door from the crack near the window.... I thought I had caulked that.... hmmm oh well. Anyways, I want to go down and see if anybody is home downstairs. It has just been one of those days which I needed to relax, have a drink, and just talk to somebody. Somehow that never has seemed to work out. People don't seem to see me at times. I figure I might as well head down to the drug store... I need some more advil. Yet the halls are still silent, nobodys around, I feel alone as I walk down step by step, stair by stair. My mind keeps wandering to him... I need him here, my soul is empty without his love but nevertheless I continue on day by day. It seems that just walking to the drug store for something that appears so simple is a daily struggle. I never thought I would find love so early in life. I'm only 22 for Christs sake! But I have learned that one may never stop love. My mind races through all this on my way to the drug store. I get down to the drug store. I manage to find the advil and as I walk to the counter I realize that money is invisible in my pocket.... Advil gets placed back on the counter and I force myself to begin the lonesome walk back to room 804